Unfolding Of Self

What to write, what not to write seems to be the constant question of the moment…
How do I use this? I know how I want to use this but feel anxious…
How much to say, what to say, how to say it? Formal written essays, poems, short stories—the list is endless…

And that’s the problem… how do I know what I like unless I write it?
Do I put in journals, writings like this, bring people along for the ride on this journey…
Decisions, decisions… too many decisions…

Then what is it I write? I do have lots of topics and ways I can go, but it’s all from a personal perspective…
Like right now, as I’m typing this, I’m thinking it and hearing it in my head… I hear the voice, then I wonder… is it my voice? It kind of doesn’t sound like me… but is it me?
As of now, I’m just letting this flow, no pre-thought, no topic… just flowing from within, I guess… I don’t know, do you?
Many people speculate, but how can you really tell? How can you tell what truly is reality and what is not…?

Because when you see, you see… and a lot of the time, you don’t like what you see…
See, I just fully went a different way. It’s how this mind works.
It switches on a somewhat regular basis, which is hard to keep in line at times.
Even though I am somewhat getting a handle on it… which I hate saying, as usually something changes. Touch wood, all’s good.

I mean, I can talk about art, mental health, art and mental health, experiences and observations… the list goes on…
Well, maybe not too much further, but there’s a few more.

I guess I find it hard to talk about these things. As my usual response is a look and yeah…
So there’s lots kept hidden, let slide, kept tight-lipped…

But now, since I have my space, my spot under the train bridge to express, it’s getting hard to keep it hidden…
Again, mainly private as I have no outlet for them.
Blah, kinda liked that sentence. Kinda didn’t…
Feel the flow wobble slightly…
Deep breathe innn… hold and out… just keep moving forward…

So what to do, what to do, what to do. I know what to do, but for some reason taking that deep breath is hard…
The one thing I’ve learnt in art: there are those that bare their souls and those that do not, and when you do, it’s tough to take those steps.
Especially when you’ve been in a cave for so long, distanced from society, from fear of being judged…
I’ve had those thoughts from time to time at the start of writing this, but it seems as I go on and the flow becomes more natural, those thoughts are dissipating and my body is relaxing…

Time for that deep breathe… innn… hold and ooooooooooooooout… let the breath stabilize…
Be exciting, be weird, be dumb, be I don’t know, just be…
It’s weird how humans allow themselves to get into such pickles, but honestly, from what I’ve seen in my lifetime and generally looking in from the outskirts, many things didn’t make sense to me from growing up to now.

I’ve always had a hard time understanding humans, why they do the things they do to their environment on many levels…
…to themselves, even myself doing self-harm, smoking a cigarette while writing this…

See now, is that too personal to show? Breaking the fourth wall and saying hello with personal and somewhat private thoughts…
Again, mainly private as I have no outlet for them.
Blah, kinda liked that sentence. Kinda didn’t…
Feel the flow wobble slightly…
Deep breathe innn… hold and out… just keep moving forward…

It is there, but is it for the world to see yet…
That I don’t know until I finish editing it…
If I do…

I do see a positive of blogging a lot of this stuff, as it will be interesting to have a record of how the writing changes…
I mean, look at YouTubers—they put their face out there for the world to see, and you see them from their first to now, and you see the growth and change
And yet mine are just words on a page, so yeah, will be an interesting ride, start getting myself into a decent rhythm of writing and painting and everything in between

I could keep going on…
…but I also have a feeling this is a good place to leave it…

Will I keep writing like this…
Will I mix it up…
Guess we will see what flows.